Back to Normal

I'm finally coming out of seclusion. Grahame e-mailed me urgently for some of my measurements for the cockpit fitting, I think he got a little pissed off that I stopped communicating.

Paul called on Monday night, he is still very polite and measured when he talks to me, possibly because I told him I was disappointed and angry about our team performance, but he did finally say what I expected him to say -- that I have not communicated with my teammates enough.

I was going to blame Yuki again, and I am not just saying this after the fact, even before the race, I have been telling Carol and Dennis, and also hinted to Paul and some of his friends, that I am getting very sick of listening to Yuki's verbal assaults and tantrums. They are mostly directed at Paul, Paul's friends said if Paul is happy to put up with it, it is not in my position to worry about it. But it does bother me, anybody can lose self control when physically exhausted; but it appears Yuki makes no effort to even be civil; and Paul makes no effort to stand up for himself. Listening to Yuki snap at Paul makes me want to snap at Yuki, which I refuse to do, so I chose to walk away.

But that's not strictly true; I do have a habit of running off on my own, on kayaks or on my feet.

And even before Paul said so, I have written in my blog that I didn't pay enough attention to the team aspects. I think I lack the social maturity to take up the responsibility and try to influence my teammates.

In early October, I was suffering from over-training (I did moon trekker + MCH 9-10, then MCH 1-5, then Jardin's Lookout + Mt. Buttler + Mt. Violet + the Twins + Pat Sin + Cloudy Hill + MCH 4-6,) my lactic acid never got a chance to clear, my speed begun to drop, and I told Paul I was considering resigning from the team, because I didn't think I will be fast enough to make it in 30 hours and I didn't want to hold other teammates back. At that time, Paul told me that during the race, everybody walks on his own, the faster members will just have to wait at the checkpoint, so I shouldn't feel pressured to be as fast as everybody else in the team.

I took his words as permissions to go at my own pace. I sort of knew that wasn't his intension, he didn't want me to feel pressured, but he wasn't exactly giving me permission to go through the entire course on my own without my team. It wasn't nice of me to take his words out of context, but I have to say, it's very ... typical.

After talking to Paul, I felt I have kept silent long enough, it's about time I started talking to Yuki. So I wrote on her FB wall, expressing my disappointments. Her LP "seniors" jumped on me and missed no chance to tell me what an over ambitious, inconsiderate git I am, it's rather amusing that none of them were on the trail with us, none of them had trained for the event or attempted the event, none of them knew how Yuki behaved during training (or lack of training) and also during the race, yet they felt they were in a position to lecture me on the "true value of trailwalker."

Yuki blocked me from her wall and deleted me from her friend list, which didn't surprise me. So I wrote her a private message directed at our entire team instead. I didn't expect her to listen to what I have to say, she is so full of herself right now, any criticism simply bounces off her. But I did what I could and I can honestly say that I did it for her sake. It would be so much easier for me to keep quiet and forget her like a bad dream.

Then Dennis called last night, I was so happy to hear from him. He actually read my entire blog entry! (and it's ridiculously long!) It's almost as good as having him on the trail with me. At least we get to debrief together, which brings back fond memories. Dennis seemed entirely too happy to see me suffer. He still hasn't forgive me for what I put him through on the water. I'm too glad to have his moral support. I did second guess my decision to write to Yuki. She did react poorly, no more than I expect, but I had to wonder if I am creating more problems for my team by writing to her with honesty when I knew she isn't ready to listen.

Called Carol this morning, life is going to go back to "normal," if my life ever was normal :)