For some reasons I'm getting worked up and upset about the bantering of my fellow paddlers. Fan Goh just forbade me from paddling to Shek Mun to train -- I have to take land transportation to Shatin just for the sake of lifting bars and paddling down the river.
So that loss of freedom, the fact that somebody managed to impose on me what I'm allowed and not allowed to do with MY kayak, irks me. (I don't tell you who to shaft with your dick, so leave mine alone!) But I think, part of the reasons why I'm feeling upset, is because Siu-Ming and I were discussing emotional problems that can crop up during an expedition.
Boy, do I know about them.
I was a mess from Day 3 of the Lamma/TPC trip.
I was useless after I landed with Dennis after the Cheung Tsui snafu.
I was almost ready to give up and just fold in when the sealiner came up behind me down in East Lamma Channel.
Then there is the maddening boredom from not having anyone to talk to for days on end.
When I left HK for Japan, I made a conscious decision to leave the water.
I don't know why all these fears are stabbing at me right now. Sai Kuen and Siu Ming and even Saqib all seem to think I have no fear. Of course I have fears; I just mechanically manage them, and only let them out when I know it's safe to. Like, when I was alone on TPC, and I couldn't find my kayak anyway, so it was as good a time to break down and cry as it's going to get.
Whew, feels good to let that out.
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